Back to school: some sage advice

  So we’re nudging into September already. That means back to school as the TV advert on the Staedtler pens reminded me (note to producers – little girls don’t look like Pippi Longstocking anymore).  So, have you got your new uniform? New shoes? Plasters for when new shoes give you blisters as big as crabapples?  What about trainers for PE?  Remind your mum/dad that if your feet have grown, they’ve grown for participation in all subjects.  On a more personal note to mums. Mum, if your son is in, say, Y9 about to go into Y10 and happens to be staying with his Auntie Helena over the weekend don’t give him £100 to buy a new school coat with her. This is asking for trouble. Aunties are second only to grandmas as for as over- indulgence is concerned. Of course they’re going to blow the whole lot on a leather jacket in TK Maxx (down from £200 – bargain).  Yes, Auntie Helena admits leather may well stray outside the uniform guidelines but the kid looked cool; that’s the only guideline you need for secondary school… I rest my case.

OK. moving on to accessories.  We’re talking rucksacks, pencil cases and lunch boxes. The ranges you can get now are amazing. Everything from Ben 10 to Tracy Beaker to Cath Kidson (for the kid who looks like the one in the Staedtler advert). My advice on pens is to avoid anything diamond encrusted, bobbly, furry, fat and shiny. They might look good but they won’t improve your handwriting and they’ll have your eye out. Plus that kid in Year 4 will only nick them anyway. You have been warned.

Tip for new parents/guardians from one who’s been-there-done-that on the subject of : Name tags.   Yes, they’re a pain to sew in but the iron-in ones are useless. Don’t be tempted. Go for the traditional Cash’s variety and get that sewing basket out now. There’s nothing sadder than a tub full of Billy No-name sweatshirts in lost property. Yogurt stains are not a unique identifying feature. Ditto mud and bogies.The good news is you only need to order the full name for the firstborn. Order way too many at this stage because then you just cut firstborn’s first name off the extras and second and third born etc is just identified by their surname from then on in. Like never having a photo of themselves on their own, 2nd/3rd borns etc get used to these things. They’ll pay you back later.

 OK, kids, back to you. What about your new teacher?  How are you going to approach them on the first day?  My advice is, whether you’ve got an inexperienced teacher fresh out of college or old hand, be kind. Open the door/ water the plants/ listen when they rant on about the new toilets/ tell them you like their tie/shoes/unique approach to mental maths. A bit of creeping on the first day never hurt anyone. In fact in Germany they take in cones stuffed full of sweets called Zuckertüte to share out (if you decide this is the way to go check out the policy on healthy eating first. Schools are kind of weird about sweets these days – maybe shove a few dried apricots on top as a decoy).  Whatever ploy you go for to appease your teacher, it’s money in the bank, kids, money in the bank. 

Meanwhile enjoy your last week of freedom; you might not have it next year. Plans are afoot by mean politicians to reduce the length of the summer holidays. Yes, it’s true. Using the feeble pretext of ’new research’ they’re claiming that kids become thicker in the six week gap. If this is so, how come public schools have even longer?  Ha! What about the trillions of things you can do in the holidays that boosts your brain?  Watching TV isn’t all bad. There are loads of educational shows such as ‘Are You Smarter Than a Ten Year Old (General Knowledge) Countdown (maths)  X Factor (aspirational singing) Big Brother (anthropology) The Great British Bake-off (food technology) Match of the Day (sport) etc.  The libraries are doing their bit, too. There’s been the summer reading challenge going on: http://www.summerreadingchallenge.org.uk/ 

No, the government plan to limit the holidays is a smoke-screen.  They’re after your freedom.  Fight it!  Six weeks isn’t nearly long enough. Boredom is good.  Overworked teachers not good.  I feel a new campaign coming on. SOSH. Save our summer holidays or HOOSH Hands off our summer holidays. More Zuckertüte I say and more time to play.